Better today than yesterday...

Last week I had the privilege of joining the NCC staff and heading south for the Catalyst conference.  This was my second year going and it was incredible.  I remember leaving last year feeling like I had a lot to process and work through, but this year was a bit different.  I've been home a couple days now and I've had some time to process the things I heard while I was there.  I heard amazing, inspiring and challenging speakers.  I had great times to talking things over with friends.  I've caught up on the sleep I lost.  But something is different.

Something has left me raw.

I'm not one to enjoy feeling vulnerable.  I like to keep myself protected, maybe even hidden at times.  But this new rawness is refreshing.  My guards are down and instead of feeling like a free fall like I would expect, it feels like I'm floating on the ocean watching the pelicans fly above me.  It's relaxing and invigorating at the same time.  I know this might sound crazy to a few of you, but I feel like I experienced God in a completely new way.  And its left me different (as it should I suppose.)

My mind has been racing for the last few days.

How can I be better?  That's what I keep coming back to.  How can I better today than I was yesterday? How can I be a better friend? Daughter? Sister? Manager? Coworker? Encourager? Giver? Servant?

How can I love more?

How can I better follower of Christ today than I was yesterday?

I am in the process of making some changes.

My prayer for awhile now has been that God will break my heart for what breaks His.  Well...now it is time for the next step in that.  My prayer is that God can open my eyes to ways that I can be better today than I was yesterday.  To have a broken heart is no good if you don't actually do anything about it. So here I go.  I feel that little by little I'm seeing the possibilities and I long for them. So...I am going to be making some changes...changes for the better.

I'm writing this here so I have a record of this.  I know that in the future I will be discouraged (and when I say future, I might actually mean by Friday) so I need to remind myself that its a process.  And maybe just one of you would like to join me in this? We don't need to have it all figured out today, we just need to be better than we were yesterday, and tomorrow be a bit better than today.  Imagine if we all could actually keep that pace.  There will be set backs of course, but I'm praying that God helps us, keep taking steps...no matter how small...forward.

One Year Anniversary-A Lesson in Community

This coming Wednesday I will mark my one year anniversary in Washington, DC. That kind of milestone always makes me stop and reflect on how its gone and where it's going.  I'm currently sitting on my porch with my laptop and a cup of coffee and I cannot help but feel slightly overwhelmed by the blessings I've been given this year.  I remember a year ago packing up my stuff, praying that I could make it through the year.  I moved here, not really knowing if it was even possible for me to live in DC for a year with a *very limited income. Looking back over this past year, I'm not even quite sure how it was possible.  Except I do know that I was blessed with amazing people in my life this year.  People who are gracious and giving and I am so so very thankful for them.  


I feel like I write about the people I've met here a lot, but I just can't stress enough how thankful I am.  Thankful for the random meals or concert tickets bought by friends and for the  roommates who have let me pay my rent in increments each month.  This year I have learned what it means to be part of a community.


I tend to like to do things independently.  If I can do it alone I'd rather just tackle it myself than bother others.  If you've ever seen me carry a heavy object you'd know that I'm not one to immediately ask for help.  I wait until I am sure I actually cannot complete the task alone before I give in.  This year has not allowed me to do that.  I have had to ask for help...repeatedly.  To say it's been humbling doesn't quite seem to do it justice.  There were times this year when everything was up in the air, not just my present situation but also the future.  I remember on particularly stressful time this past spring when I realized I only had about six months left in the protege program and literally had not one clue about what I would do after.  I panicked a bit.  Ok...a lot.  I had to turn to others for reassurance.  I tend to like being the person giving the reassurance, not receiving it.  That experience (and feeling of helplessness) taught me so much about community.


Community goes two ways.  You cannot fully be involved in community if you are only willing to engage in half the equation.  You cannot wait for others to continually be vulnerable with you if you are never vulnerable with them.  At some point, if you're really hoping for honest and true community, you must let your guard down.  


I can't say I'm an expert at this yet, but I'm learning.  I'm learning that sacrificial love means that once in awhile you might look like a fool, but you also might be blessed more than you could have ever imagined.  I'm learning how beautiful true community is.  It should be sought after, and cherished once found.


So thank you.  Thank you to everyone that helped me build community here and are teaching me about true love.  Thank you.

How time flies...

I can't even believe it but I have been in DC for 11 months now. I think this has been the fastest 11 months of my life. We have less than three weeks left in this year's protege program. That's insane. This year has been off the charts amazing. I feel like I've grown so much and learned so many new things.

I do have to say, one of the best parts of this year is the people I've met. It seems crazy to think that a year ago I had never met any of the people that are a regular part of my everyday life now. These are people I truly miss when I don't see for a few days and I find myself wishing they were around when they aren't.

Perhaps above anyone, the group I've grown closest to this year is the five other proteges. If you haven't met these people yet, you're missing out. I honestly love them so much. I love our weekly protege huddle because its one of the rare times when all six of us can just sit down and catch up. When I look around our circle, it funny because we are all very different. We each come from different places with backgrounds and upbringings as varied as our specific areas of focus. Each has brought a fresh perspective to the group and I can honestly say I've have learned from each of them.

Here are just a few of the things I love most about each of them (in no particular order of course):

• Reagan: Reagan brings joy with her everywhere she goes. I've gotten the chance to share a desk with her this year and we got to co-lead a small group this summer. Reagan's passion for creativity is infectious. She doesn't settle for what is but strives for what could be. She is also the most likely person to leave you a gift on your desk with a simple note that can make your day. I wouldn't want to have shared a desk with anyone else.

• Diana: I've gotten the opportunity to watch Diana grow this year. She started the year with so many insecurities and I've gotten to watch as one by one she tackled those head on. I'm so very proud of her. Diana also has one of the biggest hearts I've seen. Caring for others comes so naturally to her. It's simply amazing to watch her ministering to others. Its almost effortless for her.

• Davey: What can I say about Davey? I love Davey. He's a self-proclaimed cynic but he has one of the kindest, most giving hearts I've ever seen. He simply lights up when he talks about his ministry with the homeless population of DC. When others would shy away from these people on the streets, Davey is trying to come up with ways to truly bless them. It's inspiring. He's inspiring.

• Travis: Travis has taught me to think bigger. Travis is not one to settle for second best and I love that about him. Travis is also one of the first people to give God the credit. He believes strongly in the power of the Holy Spirit and that is evident within the first few moments speaking with him. He understands that ministry is about more than leadership formulas, it's about succumbing to the Holy Spirit.

• Josh: Josh has a servant's heart. He loves people and he is so welcoming. Josh radiates hospitality but in a way that pushes you. He has the ability to ask questions that push you all with amazing humility and grace. He and his wife Kelly have a passion for seeing people come to Christ and they have both been a blessing to our entire protege class.

I'm sad to see the end of our year together coming up so quickly. But at the same time, I'm really excited to see where everyone ends up and what they each achieve. These are all people with great passion and I simply cannot wait to see how God continues to use them and guide their footsteps. I truly am so thankful for each of them. They have each blessed me in more ways than I can list here.

Full Circle

Today I had one of those weird, rare moments where I was able to step outside myself and view my life for the past few years as a spectator.

As proteges we read a different book each month. This month the book was UnChristian by David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons. This was not the first time I had read this book. I had actually read it about four years ago. I confessed to a couple of my fellow proteges just before our meeting that I had actually not reread the book but since I remembered it pretty well I figured I'd still be ready for discussion. Josh Stockstill, the discipleship protege said, "Well that's okay. The book already changed your life, what more could you really hope to get out of it?" I laughed but he was actually completely right. That book had changed my life.

Now I'm not one of those people that reads or hears something and then tells everyone how it changed my life blah blah blah. But this time it was true. Not because I found something the authors said to be particularly poignant or something. I mean, I enjoyed the book but that wasn't it. Deep in the middle of the book was a passage written by a pastor in Washington, DC. He was explaining why his church built a coffeehouse instead of a church building. He said that Jesus hung out at the wells and since coffeehouses are postmodern wells, it only made sense. This is a place where the community and church can cross paths. As I read those words, I remember having this uncontrollable excitement fill me. I had been telling people about this idea I had for a coffeehouse. It would be nonprofit and would give back to the community. I had a hard time completely explaining it but I knew I would know if I ever saw it. And here it was. Someone I had never met, or even heard of, was perfectly articulating my vision.

I immediately Googled that church and the pastor and read the passage aloud to my roommates. They now had a new understanding of what I had been trying to tell them for so long. I was not only excited, I was encouraged.

Now, when I read those words I had no intention of packing up and moving to DC. I thought it might be interesting to visit this church sometime, just for a frame of reference but that was all. But something changed that day. A seed was planted. After that, in the back of my mind was always this church in DC doing ministry in a way I could relate to. In a way I believed in. It's hard to ignore that.

Fast forward four years and I'm sitting in a circle in the NCC offices discussing this very same book, even the same old copy. My old book opens easily to that same passage now and reveals the star I scribbled in the margin next to it that day. It was a bit surreal.

What if I had never read that book four years ago? Where would I be? What if that book had been like so many others I have purchased, only to sit on my shelf for years before I got around to reading them? Would I have heard of NCC or Ebenezers or Mark Batterson? That is crazy to think about.

It also makes me want to get around to reading all of those unread books of mine...

Perhaps...

I'm having one of those nights. You know, those nights that for whatever reason you cannot think of anything other than the future and all of its options. The what ifs. I get like this sometimes. Not too often but occasionally. Usually I wouldn't blog in this state. I wait until I regain composure, because I will. I always do. Maybe even by morning. It never lasts long. I'll freak out for a couple hours or a couple days max and then I remember that God is in control and its all worked out so far so I need to quit worrying and enjoy the journey. And then I feel content. And then I sleep peacefully. But I'm not there yet.

Today I cannot stop thinking. And thinking. And thinking.

I guess for some reason I just needed to share that tonight. Maybe you're up too and you're thinking and/or worrying about the future. Perhaps we can say a prayer for each other? Would that be alright? I'll say a prayer for you and maybe you could say one for me too. Perhaps we'll wake up in the morning ready to take on the day. We'll feel refreshed and reassured. We'll have stopped worrying and remembered to just breathe.

...Perhaps.

I am not an appendix.

Every Tuesday morning at NCC we have an all staff meeting. Well...meeting might be a bit strong, it is more like an all staff gathering. Honestly its one of my favorite parts of the week. The entire staff stops what they are doing to come together and share what has been happening in the past week. There is no agenda or official minutes, but I sometimes come out of those meetings feeling like more was accomplished in that last half hour than in any of the official "meetings" I have had at other jobs.

Each week one staff member shares a short devotional during the meeting. This past Tuesday was my turn. Now let me remind you...I am on staff at a church. A church. Full of pastors. Pastors that are great at what they do. Great thinkers and communicators that know a ton more about the Bible than I ever have. I work in the coffeehouse. So what in the world was I possibly going to share with this group of people? What could I have to say that would make an ounce of difference to any of them? It's not that I thought that they would be sitting there booing me, because these are beautiful, kind people. But what if I got one of those terrible to pronounce Bible names or places? What if my interpretation was weak or kind-of a stretch? What if I just didn't communicate well?

The Biblical metaphor that has always resonated with me, is the idea that we are the body of Christ. If we are a "body," then we all have a role. A distinct separate role, that can all work together for a common goal. No one part is better than another. Each is separate yet united. I love this idea. I love it, but I became aware this week that I am not sure that I fully believe it.

When faced with sharing this devotional, I felt like I was sharing to a roomful of lungs, hearts and brains of the body. I was a mere appendix. Not really that useful at all and really not of much value to the entire body. Shoot, I know numerous people that have had theirs removed and they don't even feel a difference now that its gone. I felt like an appendix.

But I was still required to share a devotional with these vital organs, so I did. I changed my topic a couple of times before landing on the thing that was closest to my heart. I shared on a topic that I am passionate about and I shared as honestly as I could. To my surprise as I spoke and I looked around, not to see the room full of people I feel are smarter and more spiritual than myself judging me for skipping the hard to pronounce words from the Bible references, but to see smiles and nods. They were listening. To me.

When I finished, I felt like God showed me something. I was not an appendix after all. The point of that metaphor is not to seek out the most useless organ and identify with that, but instead to understand that we are all vital organs. Throughout the day I had people I really respect tell me they appreciated what I had to say and how I said it. I don't say this to boost my own ego but to say that God is teaching me that we all are vital. We all have a voice. Even me. I am not an appendix. Neither are you.

Midterms

I am not particularly fond of midterm exams but I do like the idea of periodically assessing how much I have learned. Since as of this very moment I have lived in DC for six months, four hours and 42 minutes (approximately), I thought I would share some things I have learned over this last six months. Some of these things have been life changing, some not so much. Some are deeply spiritual and am sure you will be impressed with me, others...not so much. I'm just kidding...I'm sure you'll be impressed with all the things I have learned.

Here are twelve of the things I've learned so far (in no particular order and certainly not exhaustive):

1. I love Greek yogurt. No seriously. Something changed the first time I ever tried Fage with honey. I honestly look forward to my daily yogurt. I may have a problem.

2. Walking to work can actually be really great. At first the thought of walking almost two miles to and and from work every day seemed daunting but now I actually find it rather relaxing. When I don't walk for a few days I feel myself craving a good stroll. It has also has led to the next thing I've learned.

3. People in DC are surprisingly nice. I rarely walk down the street without someone saying hello. While these are occasionally hellos from the passenger side of some guys best friend's ride (TLC anyone?) more often than not they are genuine hellos from people just passing down the street. Perhaps it has something to do with being further south then New York so people are just nicer but I find it quite refreshing and rather surprising.

4. While DC definitely has a segment of the population that classifies as the power hungry politician type, for the most part that is not the norm. Most of the people I have encountered are actually quite young (newly graduated from college) and idealistic. They are people that have come here because they have deep convictions and actually want to make a difference. They are a lot more like me than I would have ever wanted to admit before. As someone that is often rather cynical of both politics and politicians, I have found this very encouraging.

5. I have learned to navigate the DC Metro system. Public transportation was totally new to me, but it is something I've come to really appreciate about DC.

6. No one sounds good when singing with headphones in. I'm pretty sure I knew this before I came to DC but as a direct result of learning the Metro system, I am reminded of this fact daily and am sure I will not be soon to forget.

7. Don't leave your trunk open and unattended or some jerk may steal your toiletry bag.

8. Karaoke can actually be quite fun and not nearly as terrifying as I may have once imagined.

9. Great lessons can come from some surprising places. Being surrounded with such amazing teachers and communicators I had assumed that one of my most important lessons would stemmed from one of their teachings. It has come, however from a middle aged homeless man named Vondell. Vondell has been such an inspiration to me. Through him I have gotten to see God work in amazing ways. Not only did God provide housing for him, but just before that He provided a way for Vondell to go on missions trip to Jamaica to minister to others. Watching him light up as he told me that he was able to help others was not only inspiring but humbling. I could probably go on for quite awhile about the impact Vondell has had on me. Perhaps I will write more about him later. In the mean time, stop by Ebenezers and I will introduce you to him and you'll see first hand what I mean.

10. Landlords will come quickly if you say that it is raining...in your living room.

11. I've learned what calling an audible in football is. (That one is for my fellow proteges.)

12. I really don't know much at all. I have my masters degree and I think I have never felt more sure of how little I actually know about the world and about God as I do now. I am part of a small group that is discussing the basics of theology and it has succeeded in reminding me how little I actually know about God. But while I still have so much to learn about Him, He is still willing to guide me and use me. That is rather humbling...but I suppose learning humility may not be a bad thing. Perhaps in six months humility will be on the top of my list of things I've learned.